By K.J. Cardinal
Friday was a day in fatherhood that I'll never forget. Angie and Sammy went to run some errands, so it left "dad" home alone with Anna. It was great...at first.
It was feeding time for Anna, so I warmed up a bottle for her so I could feed her hunger. Things were going smoothly...she was eating quickly and burping frequently. "This is easy," I thought. Anna finished her bottle and was in a full-belly bliss when all hell broke loose.
She coughed once or twice and then the flood gates opened. Anna proceeded to projectile-vomit all over me...and there was a lot of it. I basically aimed her spewing head toward my chest and tightened every muscle in my body. When she was done I just sat there for a second, not quite sure what to do. Her vomit was all over me.
I was careful as I stood up, but luckily (I guess) nothing was on the couch or on the floor...it was all caught by my chest and lap. I went up stairs with Anna to give her a bath and change her...but first I had to change myself. Just to give you a good visual, there was so much vomit on me that I had to change my underwear because they were soaked.
I proceeded to give Anna a bath, which she loved, and then went to get her re-diapered and dressed. I set her on the changing table and reached for a diaper. Apparently that diaper was connected directly to the release-valve for her bladder as she then started peeing all over the changing table. Awesome.
I eventually get her diapered up and in clean clothes and we head back downstairs. She now starts fussing because she's hungry again...I thought about ringing my underwear out into a bottle, but decided to just make her a fresh bottle. I fed her again and she actually kept it down this time.
The formula went right through her though as I could easily tell that she was leaving me another surprise in her diaper. I went back upstairs shortly thereafter to change her. I took her diaper off, wiped her bottom and went to reach for another diaper. Apparently this time, the diaper was connected directly to her bowel button as she then began pooping all over the freshly cleaned changing table.
Man, I couldn't win. Maybe she was punishing me for working so much this week or maybe her mother told her to be a handful for daddy. Regardless of what was in her system, it all came out on daddy on a day that will live in fatherhood infamy.